Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Pre-Teen Dream

When I was a pre-teen I dreamed of being an amazing mother and housewife. I just knew in my heart that I wanted to dust, vacuum, launder, wash, polish, scrub, fold, arrange, dust, etc, etc, etc everyday of my life especially while having perfect hair, polished nails, pressed dress, high heels, meticulous makeup, and a bright smile on my face. My heart knew that I wanted to spend as many waking hours as possible breastfeeding, dotting, planning crafts, scheduling play-dates, homeschooling, gardening, cooking from scratch, reading stories, teaching morals, and clothe diapering my stair-step children. My pre-teen self knew that I would have at least 4 children, sew clothing, and make homemade jam.

Then I grew up.....and realized my dreams weren't so easy to attain. Nor as potentially fulfilling or enjoyable. I hardly enjoy washing the dishes by hand every day and keeping up with the laundry. I do not concern myself with anything that requires strenuous physical or mental abilities or the learning of new skills as listed above (besides the taxing labor of mowing the lawn which has become my responsibility since the hubby suffers from allergies). I consider myself an organized, yet not so clean or perfect housewife. I am a loving but not a dotting mother. I desire doing motherly things but haven't the patience nor forethought to plan anything and/or learn how to do anything.

After being in school intermittently for 6 years, I've finally reached the homestretch of college. Senior Year. Hallelujah! Studying Sociology has certainly opened my eyes to societal influences and power over everything including said dreams. With graduation looming in the not-so-far distance, I'm beginning to ponder my desires. My daughter will be 4 1/2 by next year and will start Prekindergarten shortly after my graduation. So not only will I have a degree in hand, but I'll also be short one major excuse for not working....having a young child.

My degree resonates job titles such as Social Services Specialist, Child Support Investigator, or even Social Statistics Analyst. All of which sound fairly interesting. And I can actually picture myself in each of these careers.

However, deep within my heart is screaming "get pregnant! have a baby! stay home! stay home! stay home!" As if adding an egg to our nest would increase our worm supply. Our pockets are hardly full of pennies.

Perhaps I'm just afraid of the change that graduating IS going to bring. My daughter will be gone at least half the day, 5 days a week, for an ENTIRE 10 months! Wow! That is excruciatingly hard to imagine. Books will no longer reside in the backseat of my car; I won't have to study or memorize things...well at least not as much; And I won't need a babysitter!

My heart is obviously pinning for a newborn, for 10 little toes, soft little cheeks, and cute little coos....The perfect excuse to follow my pre-teen dream of being the perfect mother and housewife.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Hello World

Second blog attempt, first post.
Let's see if I can do a better job this time.

How about some factoids about my life? Let's try.
Yesterday (or shall I say two hours ago it) was my 24th birthday.
Two days ago I became the adored owner of a Maltese puppy named Mayo.
I am the mother of a beautiful 3 year old girlie named Avigail as well as the wife of a busy man named Daniel.
I hate cockroaches.....even if they are really just "waterbugs"....Seriously, what's the difference?
I am a Senior in College and WILL graduate next May.
I continuously feel like I am not a good enough mother....I don't plan activities, can't afford dance lessons, have little patience, and would rather play with my daughter than fight her while trying to teach her something.
I doubt my decisions often.
My mother is my best friend....or at least the closest thing to a best friend.
I suck at socializing. Darn selective mutism....what the hell is wrong with me?
Most of my possessions (besides clothes and jewelry and some of my girl's tons of toys) have been bought by my mother from garage sells.....This includes ALL of my furniture (besides our dresser and bed...they were bought by her when I was a teenager), ALL of my kitchen stuff (minus the stove and fridge), ALL of my house decor. I am surrounded by goods that weren't good enough for others.

Perhaps that's my problem. Am I not good enough for others? I'd like to think not (I hate double negatives). Oy...not a good start to my new blog, huh?
Oh well. I tried.